Shutting up, or switching modes, or hiding in the shadows

Before I begin…

Let me welcome a new subscriber, someone who I have discovered a lot of you already know: Thomas. He writes this blog (Morning Wood). I wonder how many of you are innocent enough to not realize what his blog title means? Anyone? Surely there’s *someone*?

Like most people, I tend to subscribe to and read some blogs, read comments on posts and add my own insightful smart-ass helpful dumb comments, and click on the blogs of the other people that comment to see if they too might be interesting.

With only one exception, I ignore the blogs of all women in their 20s or younger. I ignore many blogs for women in their 30s unless they seem particularly appealing/funny/unique, or aren’t clear about their age. Other than that, I look for appealing/funny/unique or some combination thereof.

Using this criteria, I discovered Thomas’s blog some time ago. I was annoyed with something he wrote and made my concerns fairly clear. Instead of beating me up, however, he welcomed the dissenting viewpoint. Interesting.

He and I are polar opposites in some ways, and similar in others.

His blog, and this is relevant to my title today, is very different to mine. In the shadows, we call him “playboy Thomas” because his lifestyle is close to that. But I read some of his blog tonight and discovered there is an earnest business man and lawyer in there somewhere. Someone who works hard and plays hard. I still worry about some of the posts, but that’s my problem…

So, why does a blogger with little to do with me relate to this post?

First: My oldest daughter, Amélie, decided to raid my PC when I walked off from it without locking it. She searched my browser history until she found my blog. There’s an irrelevant long story about how she found about the blog in the first place. She decided she “needed” to see what I was saying about her. She doesn’t realize what an invasion of personal privacy this is. It happened a while ago, but I can no longer be sure it was a one-off visit to the blog.

This alone leads me to think about shutting down the blog. It’s not a family blog, it’s my highly personal commentary of the ups and downs of my current life, and I can’t be 100% certain that if I change the URL, she won’t find it again somehow (not via my PC — I have the screensaver come on quickly now).

Second: Style. I really don’t like the “me” that whines about how shitty life is at the moment, or how I am more volatile and pressured this year than in any other. I like to write in a humorous style. I like to write a funny comment or find a witty angle. I enjoy the posts where both I and any readers get some pleasure from my misfortunes, the dumb things I do, or the silly situations of Life. I gain a lot from the support I have received this year, but I feel like I need to work harder to stand tall and get back to ‘Funny Guy’ rather than ‘Leaning Guy’. This is where it relates to Thomas. His blog is waaayyyy more sex-oriented than mine, but setting that aside, the tone is stronger, the self-confidence is there. I don’t want to *be* Thomas or write in the same way. But I do want to write the funny stuff. If I can’t do that, I feel more of a burden than a relief to this community. And I hate being a burden on anyone.

So, soon, I will decide whether to close down and rely on friendly e-mails between new friends, or close down and lurk around with my virtual pen at the ready for a comment here and there, or change my URL completely (along with all identifying names and searchable text) and hope for the best. There are other options, like a private blog or password protection, but that closes off the chance of any new readers signing up and the natural ‘churn’ of an environment like this automatically means a dwindling base.

Any thoughts?

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About Single Dad

I married young. Now, after more than 20 years of marriage, 3 wonderful daughters, and many ups and downs, my wife has decided the marriage is over. The "About Me" and "My Background" pages on my blog have more details.
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39 Responses to Shutting up, or switching modes, or hiding in the shadows

  1. Caroline says:

    Hi !
    Well first off I started my blog as part of my determination to get through my ‘meltdown’! And as a tool for doing that it’s been really good and the support has been brilliant. Like you I’ve made friends through it that I’m really pleased I’ve found. But also like you I wish I wrote more of the funny stuff that goes on around me.

    Sometimes when I do write the funny stuff – just for the sake of amusement – either I’m not funny enough (highly likely!) or some of my readers appear to be hunting for some deeper meaning as part of my road to recovery!!

    At the end of the day (as the saying goes) it’s your blog and if you feel it has been compromised then only you can decide what to do next. All I would say though is that anything that can help you when going through tough times shouldn’t be shunned as someone just might come up with an approach, an idea, that might make a massive difference for you and help with the situation you’re in. But that’s only my view!! I would never have expected some of the discussions that have run on my blog and the input has been very helpful!

    And now I’m off for the weekend – a TOGs weekend (you have to have been a fan of Wogan on Radio 2 to understand that! The ‘great man’ himself is gracing us with his presence tomorrow afternoon – if he has any sense he’ll not hang around long!). I shall spend the entire weekend called by my TOG name and come back bemused!

    Hope today is good for you

    Caroline

    • Hi Caroline,

      As with all of the replies to this post, we need an appropriate start: I’m so sorry! I should have replied ages ago! Forgive me, I’ve had lots of things going on. One of which has been distracting myself with small comments here and there on other blogs. 🙂

      Like you, I started this blog with a determination to talk about what had happened. I am very IT-literate but had not bothered to follow any blog before nor written one. So it was something of a shock to discover that I quickly became part of a small but nurturing and intelligent community of bloggers with similar experiences.

      It’s been a loooong time I heard Terry on the radio back in England, but then I was always more of a Radio 4 fan. Actual debate and discussion. There’s not much of that over here; rhetoric is preferred instead.

      Thanks!

  2. it’s a tough call. On a personal note, I would hate to see you disappear completely from the blogshphere. My sense is that blogging is doing you some good. Your comments on my blog have been insightful.
    But as Caroline says…it is your blog.
    It is tough to let your kids know of your vulnerability. At the same time, it gives them understanding and probably empathy for you too. You will always be their Dad. Now, you are human too.
    There is a point in every father/child relationship when they learn of our fallibility. We hope that it comes later and we remain idols for a long time ;-).
    My kids (although they do not know of my blog)…have seen me fall. But (and unfortunately) their mom has fallen in their eyes whereas I have fallen on my own, yet risen in their eyes.

    Maybe this is the same situation with you.
    My sense is that you are doing really well with a really crappy situation. You had this thrust upon you and I sense that there is still an element of shock. But you also appear to be following to a point the advice you gave me about letting go.

    Whatever you decide…even if it just to lurk, you know that some of us strangers understand.

    Peace to you
    LFBA

    • Hi LFBA,

      As with all of the replies to this post, we need an appropriate start: I’m so sorry! I should have replied ages ago! Forgive me, I’ve had lots of things going on. One of which has been distracting myself with small comments here and there on other blogs. 🙂

      Thanks for your perspective, especially on how our kids view us Big People through the lens of the break-up that has split your family (and mine).

      The first time the girls recall seeing me cry was back in Switzerland when my runaway wife had packed her bags and was going back to England. I just sat in the kitchen and cried because we had only been back together a year since difficulties before then. I knew by then that I’d never let the family be ruined again and cherished it every moment, only to see it fail again. That was a bad day.

      I’m not sure that my teenage girls are under the illusion that I’m infallible anymore. My dad used to say that when I was 5 years old, I thought he (my dad) knew everything. At 15, I thought he know nothing. And at 25, I had started to realize that both of us had a lot to learn.

      My sense is that I am getting more things right than wrong over time, but it would be nice to roll back time occasionally and do over a few of my recent mistakes. It’s easy to talk about being a rational parent until you’re living in irrational moments…

      I’m still waiting for you for let go of the “Grrr” and realize that you’re their DAD and even if it takes time, they will be with you in the long-term. Life might suck for a while, but you’re not going to lose this war, just the battle. Remember that.

      • Hi Sean
        As with all of the replies to the replies to the replies…first things first. There is absolutely no need to apologize although I appreciate the sentiment. Believe me when I tell you that I Understand what this family breakup can do to a man for whom the most important thing is the family. Time fritters, minds wander….often delving back to the past to try and find some sense or logic or reason for all of this.

        As to your reply, It is obvious to most of us out here that you are getting more right than wrong. Holding the raft together in the sea of irrationality that you face is superhuman. I did not know that you had separated before. I’m sorry. I’ll bet that like me, after having gone through something like that once, and vowing to work through it….only to find it end again, is torture to your soul. It makes it all that much worse…not knowing what the years in between actually meant. It shatters the past. It takes courage my friend, to keep fighting the fight. Even if there is the needed respite occasionally…or just the need for your mum.

        It is sad to me that your girls are old enough to comprehend what has happened…and that there mum was/is not there for them. I know I never wanted my daughter or son to find out about X’s first affair….but she made that inevitable by her more recent actions. I never wanted my daughter to lose faith in her mom….as she now has. I’ll lay odds that some of that feeling is in you too abour your girls.

        RE: my “Grrrrrr”. Well you told me about your Italian friend before and how he held a broken trust in his mind. I have been through a lot in my life, but the thing which stops me dead in my tracks and makes me question all I believe, is betrayal. When betrayal happens once, and then again after a prolonged timespan….after WE vowed to work through things…then “Grrr” is pretty much the mildest of my emotions.
        I had to see X today at my son’s soccer game. The emotions ran from wanting to hold and protect her and find a way to make it all work again, to feeling sick at the sight of her.

        I AM my children’s dad and always will be. But X, seemingly trying to make the snake a Dad too is just a stroke in waiting for me. It’s just another betrayal to have her rescind all that she told people about me and change history.

        I replied to Caroline that some of this would probably ease for me if X would just walk away instead of trying to bankrupt me too in the effort to “protect herself and HER children”. Just seems like malice to me. So…another betrayal.

        But…the most maddening part, is that my memory of all the good stuff is so acute, that it baffles me how we have gone from there to here. So, “grrrr” is probably with me for awhile. Thank you for your concern.
        Peace to you
        LFBA

  3. mysterycoach says:

    It feels like you’re comparing yourself to someone who is at a different stage in his life than you are at this time. You’re going through a divorce and the passing of your father. It’s not whiny nor does it make you a burden to anyone to have a space, you created to let off steam and discuss things that bother you. If I recall, the fella you’re talking about was going through a break up in the beginning and whatever he’s doing now, is coming up on closure (or closure has completed itself) as to that loss and moving forward.

    The two of you are in different stages of life. He has the freedom to go out and do the things he does (aside from working etc.), whereas you do not at this time. You have the girls who live with you, you have work, a different set of responsibilities and this is overwhelming emotionally. It feels like you would be giving blogging based on your perception of what someone else has or does, which you do not. You’re responsibilities are different, I’m not minimizing his, at the same time your lifestyles are different.

    I’ve always said to compare one person’s life with another can be detrimental to our own feeling as to our worth, our accomplishments, it seems you’re being too hard on yourself. I remember the other day you referenced being well by the turn of the new year. It’s an excellent goal to have, at the same time, “Time” heals wounds and you have some differences going on here. We are all human in the end, you are not a burden, we all need to clear our heads and heal in life. If writing helps you, keep at it. I would suspect that right now you may feel very shut off from many things due to the grief from your father’s passing. (or whatever you may be feeling, I don’t know…) If you need to write, continue to write … put a password on it for yourself. Don’t share it, keep it to yourself. However, KNOW that you need to process things like anyone else. Me, Thomas, and many others came on here for a variety of reasons. If you look around, there are so many blogs, so many people talking about their life and it’s all very cathartic for that person.

    You’re going through a very stressful, emotionally challenging situation right now, if I had to guess, the idea of some freedom would feel pretty good right now. Each of you have your own things that you have been through and different responsibilities. He has a different lifestyle. You’re going through the passing of your father, a divorce, you have full time custody of 3 girls, albeit he has his own responsibilities and stresses, however they are different than your own. It sounds more like you’re saying you’d rather be on the upward curve of everything going on in your life right now, than where you are… (speculation), I can certainly identify with that feeling.

    I think honey, you’re being too hard on yourself. It’s not whining, remember when I was whining about CB aaaaaall the time? 🙂 good lord, that was awful. All I wanted at the time, when I got frustrated was some freedom, to do what I want, when I wanted and what I really needed was support, understanding and to move through it. I wanted it to be faster, I wanted it to have never happened (in part because I learned a lot about myself in the process) and I went on and on forever.

    I told you this in an email, however I’ll share it with you now, here as well. When my father passed away, I lived in N.J. and he lived in Fla., he made quite the mess of things as to his Estate, some bad choices but he was sick too. I was 23 years old, I was married to a very mean person who thought that HE inherited something. Emotional support other than him trying to get his name on the estate check book was non existent and I was responsible for everything my father ever worked for his entire life. WTF? When my father died, I sat the mean boy down at the table in Florida and I told him that my father died down there alone and miserable, I lived with him and was alone and miserable, he needed to straighten up. He did not. My father passed at the end of March, 1989 and I left in August, 1989. I had no children, thankfully.

    So I had the divorce, the estate from another state, responsibilities of my father’s life work (and I didn’t know what the hell to do with that) my brother to deal with, I had 4 jobs to keep up, I had to move 4 times in the first year to get away from mean guy, never mind him attacking me at one point (that’s another story) and there came that day… sitting at a light, it was raining, I was waiting for the light to turn so I could make a left.

    And that was the day, I thought … “I can’t deal with this, I just don’t want to be here anymore”. I had no support, I had no one to turn to, just myself, lawyers, all this responsibility and the stress was so severe, I’m surprised I got out of bed in the morning. I wanted to end my life. I couldn’t take it anymore … It was too much pressure and grief and hurt and betrayal. It was all way too much for me. It hurt so badly that breathing and trying to figure out what to do was just way to overwhelming for me. I was thinking in that moment, how angry I was and how I wanted all that pain to stop. The only way I could think of to end that pain, was to end my life. Seemed reasonable for a brief moment.

    What happened next, was nothing short of a miracle. Ready? 🙂 Out of my own mouth, out loud as I was thinking about all the betrayal (and this is only PART of the story) came the following words, “And how long are you going to blame him for your current situation”. I swear on my daughter, my own words, in the empty car, sitting at the light, came out of my mouth. And LOL 🙂 I said just as loudly back… SHUT UP!

    I realized, in that moment, I didn’t really want to end my life … I just needed some help, some support, someone to listen to me, care, help … be there for me. It was too much for me … all by myself.

    Now … damn, 🙂 I’m still teary eyed telling this story and that was 22 years ago… Now, SD? You should not go through this alone. I remember being so angry that other people seemed to have something I did not… that didn’t help me either. However, we all need support … so do you and it does not make you a burden, it does not make you whiny… I hope I’ve been clear…

    MC

    • mysterycoach says:

      Oh 🙂 The other thought I had in the car after I yelled at me was…
      “What if tomorrow is better and I miss it?”
      I’m WAY too curious and playful for that, even miserable, desolate and depressed as I was in that moment, I thought… I don’t want to miss tomorrow. Hmmph. Thank GOD for my stamina, willpower, drive and courage. Okay? That’s all I’m saying… Otherwise I wouldn’t be here givin you a little shit 🙂 LOL 🙂 Go on, laugh… dat’s funny! Oh … come on now!!! You know you wanna laugh! A snicker? A little slight grin across your face? 🙂

  4. The T says:

    Can’t help but love the dad in you… Just for the sake of letting you know, i’ve admired your work for a long while and have been a diligent observer for more than you know. With that being said, I hope you stay your course and write as though everyone including your daughter can know who you really are…

    I started to write to escape the realities that I had been crushed by a woman and I couldn’t fathom how this could happen to me. Through that pain, I learned that I loved to write… I never wrote anything before blogging… and then it struck me… my email begain to fill up… it began to boil over, and people were wanting opinions…frank opinions of how I viewed the truth of certain situations….they knew I wouldn’t put much icing on things, yet my view is always a little skewed…

    Never-the-less, in all of the adventures that I write, I have been thankful for having the opportunity to have them served to me in the first place….knowing how I got to be the pirate adventurer was strife and struggle… i have known being poor, being downtrodden, being worked into the ground…and the greatest realization of life….you can start over… you can build a new life through determination and vision… many people don’t get my blog… and it’s certainly not for the timid, but one thing is always there…a passion… for living… breathing in fresh clean air and knowing by the end of the day, i will have found one more thing that I extracted in my day worthy of the attempt to find adventure and the passion to look at tomorrow’s opportunity the same way…

    Love and loss brought me here… and even though, I’m a hard sell to some…i find that nuns in a small abbey in France send me email and read my blog….I also have a hardcore biker guy that scares me who reads my blog, and most importantly, we have a shared audience you and I…who read both of us…since we are both men dealing with issues that not all men are willing to open up to.

    Tomorrow, if my eyes do not open, there will be people who miss my words, my adventures… which is exactly why I have been reading your words….if they stop, I would miss them…

    Life will always go on, it is about the flavors and colors you choose to paint your life…. passion for living along with passion for others to grow…

    My heartfelt appreciation for the mention….just when things are clear and calm, real life steps in….I would hope that your blog will serve your daughter well by saying these were my daddy’s words… it may give her strength to know men are able to feel like you feel… you are, the man who sets the tone for what is good in life without hiding her from what realities the world will teach her when you are no longer around.

    I hope you keep your path… my blog has been compromised by the very people I wanted to hide it from….I chose to write and not change a thing about my writing… when i’m angry I shake the walls with my words, and when I’m feeling as though God has torn out my soul, I am sad…and torn…and my words are able to let that voice be heard…people are there to assist me…strangers with opinions that really help…

    This strange community of souls writing to have a voice… I love reading about them and their life… one of those lives is yours….

    T.

  5. Robin says:

    Sean,
    I have spent the last 25 years teaching and interacting with high school and college students. Your Amélie is an adult, but still at the stage where the world revolves around her. If she has gone to all the trouble to break into your blog, it may be because she fears that she (or perhaps her sisters) is somehow responsible for your wife leaving. Most teenagers, no matter how compassionate, tend to react to negative events in the lives of those they are close to by first examining the impact on them. If this is the case for Amélie, anything she read in your blog should have been very comforting. The love and concern you feel for your girls shines through with every mention of them – even the exasperated ones.

    I have never agreed that even adult children should not receive information about a parents’ affair or the basic reasons for a breakup. They know when something is wrong, and their imagination generally constructs a scenario which is much worse than the truth. In addition, she is at the stage when she will be forming her own adult romantic relationships, and the dissolution of your marriage will impact her. You are not using her as a sounding board, you are not dumping on your children, she actually invaded your privacy. Have you talked to her about why you created the blog, about the need to vent and interact as a way to keep the negative emotions away from her and her sisters.

    My daughter had just turned twenty and was still in college when my life blew apart. She knows I have a blog, and is much more technically literate than I am, so she could have easily found it if she had wanted to, but I told her why I was writing and that it was a way for me to express feelings that she did not need to deal with, and she agreed. If you feel like writing is helping, I would talk to your daughter – adult to adult – before I closed down the blog.

    Robin

  6. anne says:

    Oh, I have so many thoughts! (Haha, I love giving advice, whether asked for or not, and tada! You asked my thoughts. I am a kid in a candy store…)

    1. I am so happy bc I am actually subscribed to your post. So it worked!
    2. I am way within your age limits, so you might keep reading my posts.
    3. I often feel the exact same angst you expressed. I am a grown woman, why must I whine so much in my posts? I take breaks, I delete posts, I try to explain in follow up comments, and I hope no family members, colleagues or boyfriends find my blog. But then readers respond with “what are you talking about? I love reding your honest thoughts. ” so SDad, I DO LOVE READING your blog. YOU ARE FUNNY, and you share real authentic you. That is why I read it. I don’t think Morning Wood’s blog would appeal to me, I want to read abt people’s struggles and overcoming obstacles, not sexual exploits. Does that make sense?
    4. I think you will have many readers who will miss you. One of my readers told me that I am “digging, sharing, and describing the Truths of life, I am courageous, not wimpy and whiny for being authentic. “And also, most of my readers know I am attempting also to be funny while sharing my 14-year old version of myself and my insecurities. We have all felt the way you describe in your and my blogs, and we are relieved to read that someone else has as well and is funny enough to make a caricature of it all.

    Dinner soon : )

  7. backonmyown says:

    I enjoy your blog, so for selfish reasons I hope you keep writing. As to T, I agree with Anne. I have no interest in reading someone’s sex-capades.

    Ahh, the daughter. I have three daughters, adults. #1 and #3 read my blog. #2 chooses not to read. I respect their choices. There are times when I feel a little uncomfortable knowing they’re reading but I forge on and try really hard to write what’s in my heart. Here’s the interesting thing: I feel a closeness, a meeting of minds with #s 1 and 3 that I hadn’t anticipated. The two of them also write blogs. We talk about theirs and mine. We have agreed that this is my story and that their truth or my ex’s truth would not be the same as mine. And that’s okay.

    I agree with Robin that your love for your daughters shines through in your writing and seeing that may have been very comforting for your daughter.

    I don’t see you as a whiner.

  8. TikkTok says:

    Sean,

    I echo everything MC said. And I’m going to add my .02.

    Invasion of privacy or not, your blog could actually be a tool in your relationship with A. Obviously, she went looking and for a reason. I would use the breach to have a chat with her. She may not realize how you feel about her doing what she did- she needs to be made aware, if you haven’t already told her how you feel about what she did. And I would get to the root of why she went looking. Obviously, something is going on.

    YOU are entitled to a life. Even if your girls or ____________ don’t approve. It’s not up to them. You are a grown up and are entitled to your own things and your own space.

    I think it’s all good, fine, and well to see behavior we want to emulate. I think introspection is good and can be a good thing to help us get to where we want to be. We’re not “there” until we’re “there,” though.

    Please, don’t compare yourself (or your style of writing). You are perfect *just the way you are.* You are absolutely NOT a burden. Really. 🙂

    Thomas is on his own journey. You are on your own journey. (I’m on my own journey, too, lol) Your journey will never be comparable to any one else’s journey- you don’t have the same experiences. Even if you found someone who’s life events mirrored your own, they still wouldn’t be comparable, imo, because you are unique. Your experiences combined with your person make you *you*.

    And I wonder if Amélie did what she did to try to get to know you better. It can be disconcerting when your whole life and identity markers (like, “my parents love each other” and “my parents love me”) are turned upside down. It can make you question everything else you thought you knew about yourself and others.

    I like that you are you and aren’t projecting a persona. You know where I stand with regard to honesty and playing games. I absolutely would hate to have you leave because of something someone else did. You (and your blog) are perfect just the way you are. 🙂

  9. goyagrrl says:

    Hi SD, again;)
    I have been having a similar issue with my blog journey. I started it in the midst of a tumultuous relationship, which I chose to end but still needed to heal from and go through the process of grieving. Now, I am not sure what the “purpose” of the blog is, and am wondering – does there need to be one? Not sure. But I do agree with TikkTok, you are in NO WAY a burden and you have your very own unique journey (as we all do).
    As for Amelie, it is kind of interesting – a sort of reverse invasion of privacy. Usually, the KIDS that are upset because a parent has read a diary or overheard a conversation. Not sure how to rebuild that level of trust, but sometimes I think you just have to go on faith that someone is respecting your boundaries, you know? Do you get the sense that she is mature enough to get that?

  10. The T says:

    Sean,

    A fond reply to let you know i’ve dedicated today’s post to you…becoming a noble savage…i’ve shared some giggles with some of the interpretatons of the girls above…they should read deeper… i was a man in crisis…it is why I turned to posting… most importantly, I am not that far from you… crushed through a series of events… and having 3 childen of my own, i face the realities from the impact of living my life against what they will find out about me….

    However, just like you, I lost my father… if only I had his words, his adventures, in his words… I wanted to know how he viewed life and the fun he got to enjoy before his death….I WANT that and I’ll never have it…but i have my life…and the appreciation of the opportunity to live it…. i have walked in your shoes… i am the man in transition to the man I want to be…however, if i must be a hellion in my current life to make up for being downtrodden and half the person who didn’t understand what living was about….then i can’t make everyone happy…just me…and God for the sake of taking the most precious gift He has given and really doing what He wants us to do…live…

    for you, my post of the day….

    T.

  11. tiffsjourney says:

    We’ve all been through tough spots in our lives that lead us to sound a little whiney. But you know what… that’s ok. It’s perfectly ok to say how you feel. It’s ok to whine sometimes. It’s ok to be down… as long as you get back up. Life is tough… no matter your age or circumstances. Divorce is hard, especially when it comes to children and trying to protect them from the vicious thing that it is. Believe me… I know.
    I hope you don’t close your blog down. For me, blogging has been a way for me to express myself. My feelings. My thoughts. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.. and that’s why they can make the decision to continue reading, or to simply close it out.
    As far as your daughter getting into it… I can see how that would make you a little leery.. I have a 13 yr old daughter that reads mine, so I try to be careful and post age appropriate stuff. I can’t say everything I want to say.. I can’t post a racey topic if I want to, but that doesn’t stop me from being myself. Feelings are natural. Disappointment is natural. Hurt is natural, and it’s important for children to know that it’s ok to be hurt, or mad or disappointed or whatever the case may be. They will be better for it in the future when they have to take the pain this life will offer them when they are older.

  12. Well first SD let me say a big hearty “THANK YOU” for pointing me in the direction of Thomas this morning – oh my! Pitter patter….. ❤ Remember my requirements list, he's got the words component for sure! Oh I am such putty around words. I tried to explain that to the naked valet this morning during more dysfunctional texting but quickly gave up that convo – if it's doesn't have to do with his penis, he's useless! Thomas dedicated his most recent post to you and your journey – shows he has integrity too, good friend. Now on to the meat of this post of yours – and yes, I said meat SD – you know me! 🙂 Did that get a smile at least?

    I don't know what I would do if my daughter found my blog. I had a blog prior to this one and it was open and out there and full of happy thoughts – this one is is real life, seat-belt-required-at-all-times reading. She's asked me once or twice if I'm blogging again and I've lied right to her face and said a big fat "NO." That's a lie I have to tell. If I start up a food review blog, I'll be sure to point her in the direction of where to get the best Tapas! But to read about her mother's not so high opinions of her father in black and white, not to mention my new sexting life style, no thank you! My heart took a little ping for you when I thought of my daughter reading this. Hugs to you SD.

    You'll know what to do about your blog soon enough, just sit on it for a bit, let it be. If I've learned one thing through this whole process it would be – if we just wait long enough, the answer always appears. Amazing to me, this whole process of self-discovery and growing in a way I had no idea I could love. You've got so much going on in your life SD, take the time to just live all of it – sometimes you have to taste the bitter crap to savor the really good. Hang in there but don't go away. I'd miss you and your innocent soul.

  13. Okay, I have absolutely nothing constructive to contribute (no surprise there, right) over and above what everyone else has written, I just wanted to say that you have garnered some of the longest comments ever! 🙂

  14. Julie says:

    I really hope you don’t close down, although I totally understand the powerful temptation that can be when we get to a wall and to feelings of invasion or disappointment or anything else that gets us down. I recently changed the tone of my blogging after getting first pissed off. I let myself break up with my blog. That gave me freedom and space. Then we got back together the next day. True love. In the end I decided that all my “deep” introspection had served me beautifully up to near that point, but it had reached its limit in making me feel better or feel like I was contributing anything. I noticed that introspecting so much had become, instead of useful like before, a burden and an obsession (at this point I’d deem it at least a tad narcissistic). So I changed the format. Sure my stuff bores the hell out of me. No, really, it does. But it keeps me connected and now I feel much healthier, saner, and grounded. From what I’m hearing, a lot of us go through stuff with our relationship with our blogs. Thinking of my up-until-recent angst over it, it did frustrate me deeply. Now it just makes me giggle. So stick around. Write about what makes you tick or whatever, but just keep writing if that’s what you want to do. I have faith you’ll work it out and be all the better for it.

  15. I found you through Thomas. Look there’s nothing wrong with having a life and opinion outside of your kids. Your kid did something that was not kind, respectful or decent and you should definitely have a chat about that. People forget to tell you when you have babies and they’re so cute, that eventually they will be quite irritating (my kid if you makes you feel better hit a large raccoon last night and destroyed the bumper on my Passat and then left the poor animal dead in the middle of the street for someone else to hit, blech)
    What you should not do is let someone even a loved one change how you feel about what you create or cause you to censor what you create. I create with paint and as a painter there have been times when I have walked away from my brushes. If you need to give yourself a break from writing then give yourself a break but don’t give it up forever. It’s not healthy for people to be uncreative. And you’re a good writer to boot. I read through quite a bit of your blog. You are amusing. And no where do you come off as whiny.
    Take care. I hope you find peace with whatever you choose to do.

  16. I forgot to add, it took me a while to get the “Morning Wood” thing. I just assumed that Thomas liked sunrises in the forest.

  17. I find that I have much that I would say to you, could I find a private means of communication, which is not afforded on your blog site (darn you!). So I will settle for the public forum instead. 🙂

    First, I would second much of what has been said previously without repeating it. I would be terribly sorry to see you depart, but would also entirely understand your reasons for doing so.

    When I hear you compare yourself to Thomas, I suspect that you fail to appreciate your own uniqueness in the blogging world. True, perhaps you are not so glib nor your posts so rollicking, but you are an amazing example of a person who is truly searching for the truth, and not just a truth with which you are comfortable or familiar or which you desire, but the genuine, unvarnished truth of your situation on which to build the promise of a better future for you and your children. A lot of us write; few of us make the kind of progress that you have made in terms of self-awareness and self-actualization.

    I remember the first time I noticed that you’d posted on my blog. Your comment said something like “Well, that doesn’t bode well for me.” At first, I felt badly that perhaps I had offended or hurt you or pointed out a painful truth in some fashion, but as I sat back and read both your own posts and your comments on mine, I saw that you are really capable of delving into the muck of your situation and your own feelings about it, without excessively relying on labels or blame or vitriol. I think that first comment captured it — even though what I wrote didn’t feel good to you, you didn’t attack me or bristle defensively or disappear and never return to my blog. No, indeed, you came back for regular helpings! Lol. I really admire that about you.

    I don’t tend to make a lot of comments on blogs; I try not to unless I have a burning question or feel that I have something valuable to contribute. Tonight I am because it sounds like you are muddling through questions to which only other bloggers can relate.

    I have contemplated, on multiple occasions, hanging out the “Closed” sign on my blog and packing it in, although for very different reasons than those with which you are now grappling. Each time I have taken some time to think about — kind of had a trial separation, rather than actual divorce. I have walked away and not posted and told myself that at any moment I could hit that “private” button and pull it from public view. But I never have. Because,as MC says, I’ve always fallen back in love with it. So, with that in mind, I would suggest that you change the url and all identifying characteristics so as to restore your ability to write freely, and then sit with it for a bit. See how you feel. See if you miss it… if you miss us.

    We’ll be waiting. 🙂

  18. victoryclark says:

    Hey, I’m sorry to hear about all the awful stuff that happened to you. I may be in my mid 20st, and you won’t like my blog, but I’m not making you read it, you’re not going to find anything interesting there anyway. I’m here to say, that I have two sisters and looking to my dad I kind of have an idea what’s going on with you. And I’m telling you – you’re a hero.
    I’m suspecting your daughter wanted to take a look at your blog, trying to connect with you. Maybe I’m over my head here, because I haven’t read enough to know what your relationship with your girls are, but I know what it’s like a big family like this to go through crisis and I can assure you that one way or another, things are going to fall to place. Just hang in there. I know you’re angry and you’re a mess of feelings, but everything is going to be good again. Promise! Just don’t lose the connection with your daughters, because that’s what my dad did, and sometimes I really need him, he’s here, but I can’t turn to him, and it’s devastating.

  19. Hi,
    I’m here as a reader of Morning Wood and one who enjoys discovering the nuances of it’s writer. And, glad to have found you. I write anonymously to avoid some of the issues you grapple with. I have written about one of my adult children in the past and had an invasion that gave me the same doubts you have. I did, actually, start over with a new anonymous blog. And, now I rarely write about my family-mostly out of a desire to keep some privacy for their sakes. I share quite a bit in my blog but I don’t involve my family.. out of respect for them.
    We all need an outlet and blogging is a great way to do that. And as you’ve noted, we do it in differing ways. My old, abandoned blog charts my struggles with family and life. Drop me a note if you’re interested in seeing it.
    I look forward to digging into your blog a bit more-one Virginian to another.

  20. losing bee says:

    well i feel honoured that you come by my blog AND comment – since i am a lady in my 30’s 🙂

    i have another blog i write in that none of my friends or family know about. i have been found by people that i do not want reading my blog and have shut them down in the past.
    recently, someone i do not want knowing anything about my life has found me yet again. how do i know? i have a tracker on my blog…and through process of elimination i discovered it was her.
    i get how it feels – to have your privacy invaded this way.

    you could start over and people who enjoy your blog WILL follow you. i lost alot of readers in starting over, but what can you do.
    i have to keep reminding myself that this is the world wide web, and even as “private” as i make my blog…you can be found.
    and it sucks, and pisses me off…but i have also decided that this time i’m not running.
    i am not saying our situations are the same…but they are similar.

    now if you will excuse me i’m off to read some morning wood 🙂

    if you want to know more about the tracker just let me know…i can send you off an email.

    bee

  21. losing bee says:

    hey looking for buddha! i use tracker(s) on my personal blog. although they don’t give you alot, they give you enough to work with (ie, ip address, perhaps even the organization they work for if they are reading from work etc) i think it’s enough. besides it gives you a great mental visual of where in the world your visitors/readers are!
    try…www dot statcounter dot com. hopefully this will give you some answers!

    bee

  22. k8edid says:

    One of the reasons I have subscribed (today) is that I am drawn to your blog because of your frankness.

  23. Surrey gal says:

    Actually I don’t know what Morning wood means? I never thought of that, I never thought it has some hidden (or not that hidden?) meaning?

    I take it you are reading my blog because I wasn’t clear about my age…

    Amelie is a clever girl, you are less clever, I must admit it. I know how you feel, I wouldn’t write a word more if anybody I know read my blog. If you do decide to write somewhere else, please let me know where, ok?

    As for writing funnily, you are going through tough patch at the moment, come on, give yourself a slack! You don’t need to compare yourself to T., you are a person on your own with your own style that me, and many others, like.

    I think you should password protect this blog. Then leave it alone and start a new blog. Give the link to it to all those that you want to. And keep writing, let other people find you, change the names and places, and hope that Amelie won’t find it 🙂

  24. justhh says:

    If you enjoy the writing then new URL. I’m on my 3rd lol. First change was when I spilt with ex and then just recently changed as I wanted to break away from the erotic blog it had turned into.

  25. anagakos says:

    I started a blog last week sometime. Thomas commented on one of the first things I wrote and, through him, I found you. I’ve only read this one post of yours, know nothing about you and yet I still feel something there. A brotherhood if you will. I went through a divorce not too long ago and was the morose fellow in the corner sulking at work. I found my voice online, one-on-one. It took me several years to change my life and my outlook around. It can and will happen for you. Don’t force anything. In time, it will come.

  26. hollyjb says:

    Well, I have no advice for you. You’ve gotten a lot of great stuff so far and I have no experience to add anything :D. I found you through T and thought I’d come by and say hello. Considering I want my family and friends to read my blog I have nothing in common there. As far as shutting it down; well, I guess just try and weigh the options and think about what the blog itself has done for you. I know mine has helped me discover things about myself even though that’s definitely NOT what I started it for. It looks like you have a great community here and I can tell you that that’s probably the thing I love most about blogging, the new friends I’ve made.

    I guess all I can say is, you now have one more ear to listen and one more heart to cheer you on. My own parents have come very close to divorce, but have somehow managed to make it work. Some days I’m not convinced this is a good thing, but most of the time I’m grateful. In that way I can appreciate how hard a relationship can be (from an outside POV).

    Don’t worry about checking out my blog, lol. I’m only 25 and my blog is neither profound or witty. Just thought I would pass along a little more blog community support.

  27. Jan Heath says:

    Hi Sean. I too found you via Thomas. I started from the beginning reading your postings, and will get through all of it eventually, luckily I’m a fast reader, lol.

    My ex left me in one day, with basically no further communication, and I was devastated. I think we all have our own morose love stories gone wrong.

    I just want to say tho that I think it would be a shame to stop writing. It seems from all the comments you get that many people relate to you and love your writings. I think you have been very respectful in your writings about your wife, so perhaps it’s not a bad thing for you daughter to read your blog. Just ask her, tho, how she would feel about YOU reading HER diary, or something similar. Maybe that will hit home with her.

    Anyway, please don’t stop, I have just found you.

  28. Sean! First of all…there’s one line I’m particularly flattered by/appreciative of in this post, so thank you.

    Second of all…I can very much relate to not liking the “me” that comes out in the blog. But it seems to me that perhaps our truer selves, and rawest emotions are the ones that flood out of our words. Maybe it doesn’t convey us as how we’d describe ourselves, or how we think we would be perceived in person, but which “me” is truest is up for debate…wondering if you feel the same way.

    In any case. I can understand and appreciate your thoughts about moving on, perhaps shutting down the blog, starting a new one, etc. May I just say that I hope you don’t choose to stop sharing with us altogether. Perhaps starting a new blog would be liberating from this one: a fresh start, a clean slate with which to fill your latest thoughts, leaving behind some of the pain and looking ahead to the future with your three beautiful daughters.

    All best, as always.

    🙂

  29. Lady E says:

    Hey there,
    Sorry I hadn’t seen this before, looks like WordPress messed up my subscriptions somehow…
    I’ve said this before but have you considered making your blog private? That way you can allow subscribers or people you chose to still see it, but obviously not your daughter looking for reassurance ?
    Apart from that, give yourself time, and carry on blogging if it helps you !
    Above all, look after yourself will you?
    xxx

  30. As someone who just came across your blog (thanks to T), I hope you don’t. This one post is well-written enough that I want to read more and hope there will be more posts in the future.

  31. Well I am glad you are here, and I will support whatever choice you decide to make, I updated the link, and thanks for that, I never thought about that before you said it…I will have to do the same.

  32. Pingback: Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and some Site Statistics | Four is a Family

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