Up until a few minutes ago, I was on auto-pilot, numb to it, all rational and stable.
This morning, I was still in bed and only awake for a few minutes when the phone rang. My ‘aunt’ (cousin) called to ask me about arrangements for the funeral and to inquire whether or not I would be coming. They needed to know to arrange the date around my availability. I said that I expected to attend and I would check on flights today. It’s been exactly 16 years since this Australian citizen set foot in Australia. I had hoped my next visit there would be next summer with my girls.
After that, I had to deal with work (the Govt and my company), then the airlines, then a pre-interview for a project manager, then the team who is doing some work on the yard for me, then this, then that…and the day has continued at a frenetic pace. Part of me thought that if I didn’t stop, I wouldn’t have time to feel anything, and maybe I wouldn’t crumble.
I wasn’t even fooling myself.
I finally found time to stop and breathe. I sat down at my PC and, by chance, just a few minutes earlier Lady E had posted this for me: Near Enough
As the tears finally come, I take comfort in knowing that there are friends and family that understand not just about the loss of a father, but also about the larger nature of loss, including our significant relationships. I take comfort knowing that this support takes on a small share of the pain and makes it all bearable.
After all, this has been a very tough year, possibly the most difficult ever for me. My wife walked out on me and on the girls early this year. Now I’ve lost my dad too. Lady E, you and others help me find a reason to get of bed each morning and face another day. Thanks so much for your support.