I hate my life…sometimes

A few nights ago, I started to write this post and I was going to title it “I hate my life”.

My youngest, Charlotte, came into my downstairs office after I had typed the title. She didn’t see what I was typing, but I told her I wasn’t interested and that I wanted to write.

She could see that I wasn’t happy and refused to leave; she said she wanted to cheer me up first. Grrr! The cheek!

She is forcefully upbeat when she wants to be, and she wheedled and cuddled and snuggled until I abandoned my plans to be miserable, and to complain about everything. She cheered me up, the annoying little girl! (Note: Not little anymore. She’s taller than some of you. But she’s still my little girl in my mind’s eye.)

As was said to me recently: “There are times when family makes us want to claw out our eyeballs and other times when they are the only ones who can provide us the kind of love, comfort and familiarity we need.”

This wasn’t one of those eyeball moments. Although there are time when it’s true because family members have the power to make us more uncomfortable than anyone else who isn’t as close to us.

Charlotte isn’t the only one who can provide that love and comfort. The others can be little angels too when they need to be or want to be.

Why was I upset in the first place? It’s almost pathetic to say when compared with some of the sad tales and tougher struggles I’ve read about in the last few weeks…

First, I can’t seem to get enough done and I am still overwhelmed.

My mum is here, and now Maurice is too (her husband, or possibly not). My girls don’t understand the rather basic concept that I’m the Last Resort for the things they don’t do (yes, some things can be left lying around or not cleaned until they pick up the slack, but not everything, and that still leaves too much for me).

I’ve realized that my boss has taken too much time to renew my consulting contract and so I might be at home from early September until the Government signs lots of paperwork. Grr…this is something HE’s supposed to do; it’s the only reason I’m consulting through a third party in the first place.

There are so many small tasks to be done, I get interrupted from the big ones continuously. I want to send everyone away for a weekend so I can completely focus on a few big tasks. Anyone want to spend a weekend hosting threee troublesome lovely teenage girls that will slowly and steadily mess up your house be sweet and kind? I promise to have them back at the end of the weekend. I might come pick them up at the end of the weekend. They can stay longer if you want.

Second, I am very worried about my oldest daughter.

She wants to take a semester off college. She has some things she wants to do before she goes back in the Spring semester, including dealing with what I now realize is almost certainly a clinical sleep disorder. I worry she won’t ever go back if she takes the time off and I worry that she’ll do poorly if she goes back just because I tell her to. *sigh* I know I shouldn’t worry because she will surely figure out what she wants to do just as I eventually did, but I worry anyway; it is my job after all. I also worry that if she’s around too much, I’ll want to throttle her or vice versa. We love each other to bits, but we both have a way of winding the other up sometimes (this doesn’t happen with my other two daughters). I hate it when that happens and, recently, it’s happened a lot. I’m not as understanding and flexible as I am normally because I’m feeling the pressure right now, just coming back from a big ‘down’, and she’s struggling with her Big Decision. So, basically, it’s all feeding on itself.

Third, I’m not as understanding and flexible as I am normally.

This goes beyond just my oldest daughter. I know I’m not handling other things as well as I should. With one exception that I won’t be blogging about, I haven’t screwed up anything significant that I know of. But I have erred in ways that I normally don’t. In a way, it’s a little like being drunk. I can see the right path but am sometimes surprised to discover I’ve got myself on the wrong one. Or I am sure I know which is the right path then suddenly realize it was never a good path to take. In both situations, I realize I’ve not handled things well, but Life doesn’t always give you second chances and relying on Lady Luck doesn’t seem a sound strategy for a better life.

Fourth, When does it end?

Not life itself! When do I get to be ‘normal’ again? Can I have a timetable please, so that I can see the day and time I can look back on all of this and say, “OK, we’re done with that. What’s next?” Can I see which weekends or days or weeks that I need to sit and watch TV rather than try and be sociable. No? I thought not.

As I believe I have mentioned in the past, I remain annoyed with myself that I’m not just feeling up or down, but that sometimes I switch unpredictably. (If any men post a comment about women, you’re in ‘enemy’ territory, guys!) I want to be upbeat again, without having to rely on my wriggly and chirpy girls. They’re doing very well, but they shouldn’t have to do this for their dad. They should just get to be frivolous teens while they can. Life moves fast enough they should be able to enjoy these years more.

About Single Dad

I married young. Now, after more than 20 years of marriage, 3 wonderful daughters, and many ups and downs, my wife has decided the marriage is over. The "About Me" and "My Background" pages on my blog have more details.
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5 Responses to I hate my life…sometimes

  1. mysterycoach says:

    I think you’re being a little too hard on yourself here with where you “shoulds” be and things like that. We can’t possibly have everything under control at all times and with all the changes going on in your life right now, I’d say you’re handling it all pretty well. Men have the same emotional shifts as women, maybe not PMS driven (which is pure hell) but they do, you’re normal and never compare what you’re going through with what you read about someone else. This is your life and you have things to go through, whether they be better, less than, more than anyone else. I would gather if you look at it … slightly different, (which may not make you feel better right now) you’d probably take your problems over some others. Doesn’t make your problems any less significant that anyone elses. They are still things you are going through on a daily basis which you have to go through. (Hmmph)

    Unfortunately, there is no specific time table, HOWEVER I do promise you one thing. You will get through this. It’s not going to feel like it initially … it takes time to heal and you have quite a lot on your plate… you may be erring in ways you normally wouldn’t but this is not a, well … normal time for your right now. You’re processing quite a lot… that’s a lot on your shoulders.

    You gave me good advise about a raise, which I never did get to use but get on his ass and remind him about the papers he’s supposed to submit. Worrying about finances on top of everything else is NOT helpful. Yessh…

    Oh my, I know… we worry about these kids. Don’t we? Then they get on our nerves and it’s this whole big thing… ya know? you know.

    When is Mum and Maurice leaving? 🙂 Look! Light at the end of the tunnel! LOL 🙂

  2. TikkTok says:

    Honestly, I think you are doing a fantastic job of dealing with a colossal, fundamental life shift that wasn’t of your choosing. You spent 20 years building the life you have, and dealing within the framework of a partnership. You’re allowed to be upset! I think I would come completely unravelled pretty quickly if I found myself in a sudden, unexpected and unwanted vacuum.

    I wouldn’t expect you to have it all together overnight. 🙂 Even when things are stable, I wouldn’t characterize myself as “being in control” of my life- there are too many people and too many variables for me to really be in control. That’s actually something I struggle with; wanting to drive or at least steer my own own boat more than I get to.

    You’re also still in the throes of the 5 stages of grief. Really, it’s ok to be moody. It’s ok to be thoroughly pissed. It would be nice to skip to the end, but as is the way of life, we gotta go through it to get there. It’s not easy to be flexible and understanding when the weight of the world is on your shoulders. It’s much easier when we have feedback (from a partner), and you are having to adjust and deal with that loss, too.

    We’re always going to worry about our kids. We’ll probably always second guess ourselves, too. Thing is, we’re all doing the best we can. Your dd’s future in regards to schooling isn’t dependant on you. You are not responsible if she stays in school or leaves and goes back or just leaves. You know that, right? 🙂

    Have you thought about modifying your expectations in regards to getting things done? What’s the worst that can happen if “x” doesn’t get done? Will the world end? 🙂 If you haven’t already, now may be a good time to sit down with the girls and together, come up with a plan for chores, dinner, etc etc that you can all live with. YOU should not be solely responsible for picking up the household slack. They live there, too, and you have a lot on your plate.

    I hope you are able to off-load some of this stuff and decompress a little. I hope you’ll allow yourself some grace, too. I don’t know that there are any easy answers, but I hope you can find a place where you are able to not be so hard on yourself. Fwiw, I think you are doing a great job of dealing, even if it’s not ideal.

  3. mysterycoach says:

    Nice Tikktok. Exactly right… Ugh, yes, stages of grief! Absolutely right… it’s a process the whole thing and with all the responsibilities and everything? it’s a lot to absorb…

  4. anne says:

    I can only say what I hear my therapist telling me when I am in That Zone:
    1. Be gentle with yourself
    2. Stop expecting to do all the picking up. Either they will, or it won’t get done
    3. Stay light with family
    4. Be gentle and kind to you

    (And those are not minor things, it sounds like plenty too much to me!)

  5. Lady E says:

    Mmm, I agree with all the advice given so far by the MysteryCoach, Tikktok and especially with Anne: Be gentle on yourself. Please…
    Find who or what can help you feel less overwhelmed: Cleaner? Counsellor? Weekend away?
    Stick to absolutely essential things only: Your work paperwork stuff, sleeping, eating, and that’s it. The others are grown-up enough to look after themselves, honest, they won’t starve or burn the house down (at least we hope).
    Last but not least, trust your children, they will find their own way through this and life in general. I know this is the hardest thing, and we all see them as our babies and have the urge to protect them, but they’ll be fine especially if YOU are fine.
    Big kisses, things will get better.

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