A few nights ago, I started to write this post and I was going to title it “I hate my life”.
My youngest, Charlotte, came into my downstairs office after I had typed the title. She didn’t see what I was typing, but I told her I wasn’t interested and that I wanted to write.
She could see that I wasn’t happy and refused to leave; she said she wanted to cheer me up first. Grrr! The cheek!
She is forcefully upbeat when she wants to be, and she wheedled and cuddled and snuggled until I abandoned my plans to be miserable, and to complain about everything. She cheered me up, the annoying little girl! (Note: Not little anymore. She’s taller than some of you. But she’s still my little girl in my mind’s eye.)
As was said to me recently: “There are times when family makes us want to claw out our eyeballs and other times when they are the only ones who can provide us the kind of love, comfort and familiarity we need.”
This wasn’t one of those eyeball moments. Although there are time when it’s true because family members have the power to make us more uncomfortable than anyone else who isn’t as close to us.
Charlotte isn’t the only one who can provide that love and comfort. The others can be little angels too when they need to be or want to be.
Why was I upset in the first place? It’s almost pathetic to say when compared with some of the sad tales and tougher struggles I’ve read about in the last few weeks…
First, I can’t seem to get enough done and I am still overwhelmed.
My mum is here, and now Maurice is too (her husband, or possibly not). My girls don’t understand the rather basic concept that I’m the Last Resort for the things they don’t do (yes, some things can be left lying around or not cleaned until they pick up the slack, but not everything, and that still leaves too much for me).
I’ve realized that my boss has taken too much time to renew my consulting contract and so I might be at home from early September until the Government signs lots of paperwork. Grr…this is something HE’s supposed to do; it’s the only reason I’m consulting through a third party in the first place.
There are so many small tasks to be done, I get interrupted from the big ones continuously. I want to send everyone away for a weekend so I can completely focus on a few big tasks. Anyone want to spend a weekend hosting threee
troublesome lovely teenage girls that will slowly and steadily mess up your house be sweet and kind? I promise to have them back at the end of the weekend. I might come pick them up at the end of the weekend. They can stay longer if you want.
Second, I am very worried about my oldest daughter.
She wants to take a semester off college. She has some things she wants to do before she goes back in the Spring semester, including dealing with what I now realize is almost certainly a clinical sleep disorder. I worry she won’t ever go back if she takes the time off and I worry that she’ll do poorly if she goes back just because I tell her to. *sigh* I know I shouldn’t worry because she will surely figure out what she wants to do just as I eventually did, but I worry anyway; it is my job after all. I also worry that if she’s around too much, I’ll want to throttle her or vice versa. We love each other to bits, but we both have a way of winding the other up sometimes (this doesn’t happen with my other two daughters). I hate it when that happens and, recently, it’s happened a lot. I’m not as understanding and flexible as I am normally because I’m feeling the pressure right now, just coming back from a big ‘down’, and she’s struggling with her Big Decision. So, basically, it’s all feeding on itself.
Third, I’m not as understanding and flexible as I am normally.
This goes beyond just my oldest daughter. I know I’m not handling other things as well as I should. With one exception that I won’t be blogging about, I haven’t screwed up anything significant that I know of. But I have erred in ways that I normally don’t. In a way, it’s a little like being drunk. I can see the right path but am sometimes surprised to discover I’ve got myself on the wrong one. Or I am sure I know which is the right path then suddenly realize it was never a good path to take. In both situations, I realize I’ve not handled things well, but Life doesn’t always give you second chances and relying on Lady Luck doesn’t seem a sound strategy for a better life.
Fourth, When does it end?
Not life itself! When do I get to be ‘normal’ again? Can I have a timetable please, so that I can see the day and time I can look back on all of this and say, “OK, we’re done with that. What’s next?” Can I see which weekends or days or weeks that I need to sit and watch TV rather than try and be sociable. No? I thought not.
As I believe I have mentioned in the past, I remain annoyed with myself that I’m not just feeling up or down, but that sometimes I switch unpredictably. (If any men post a comment about women, you’re in ‘enemy’ territory, guys!) I want to be upbeat again, without having to rely on my wriggly and chirpy girls. They’re doing very well, but they shouldn’t have to do this for their dad. They should just get to be frivolous teens while they can. Life moves fast enough they should be able to enjoy these years more.