It just keeps getting worse, but friends help

I’m not a depressive person generally, I’m am upbeat person who looks for the funny side of life.

Sometimes, like anyone else, I get overwhelmed. Recently, I have been very close to becoming completely overwhelmed and sinking into the abyss…

Thankfully, friends make all the difference.

The scale of the effort required to get my house back together after the basement waterproofing project is much larger than I thought. Many things have gone wrong along the way, from the toilet overflowing upstairs to a leak into a faucet connected to the washing machine to the collapse of a large free-standing cupboard in which my wife kept craft stuff. I’ve also realized that I have to dust every single surface downstairs, which is not a trivial undertaking.

But that’s just work, effort, stuff I have to do. How I feel has taken a hit recently.

One of my daughters, who shall remain nameless this time in case I become old and poor one day and need to stay with her, has had such childish tantrums that it has severely affected my moods. The things she’s said have been very hurtful and have taken our family of friendly cooperation into one where friction is too frequent.

As a final but pivotal note, I have seen signs that my wife may be seeing someone else. From an unexplained BlackBerry spotted by Charlotte, to a new distant approach to me, to an *absence* of any calls to non-family members on our family’s cell phone bill (how does she go out so much without organizing it?), to a few words spoken before she realized her call to me yesterday was already connected. They might all add up to nothing. Or I might have my true explanation for how all this came to pass. In either case, the lack of communication with me and emotional distance prey on my mind. Surviving this separation requires us to remain friends, but that’s not looking promising anymore.

As I said at the start, thankfully friends provide support and have made the world of difference. From very kind offers to encouraging words to distraction from the turmoil, it helps soooo much!

To all my friends, including the ones that might never read this, a big thank you for keeping me sane while life throws a few lemons at me.

Normal cheerful upbeat programming will resume shortly. That is, if I ever get a good night’s sleep.


About Single Dad

I married young. Now, after more than 20 years of marriage, 3 wonderful daughters, and many ups and downs, my wife has decided the marriage is over. The "About Me" and "My Background" pages on my blog have more details.
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23 Responses to It just keeps getting worse, but friends help

  1. Surrey gal says:

    Friends are very important, and they can make a huge dirfference in one’s life. There must be a reason why they say that a problem shared is a problem halved….
    That’s good that you have friends you can rely on. Don’t be afraid to use it as much as you need!

    • Thanks SG.

      As I said in a previous post, one with Lady E if I recall correctly, if that expression is true and I tell lots and lots of people, then I should have only a very small problem by the time it has been halved and halved and halved… 🙂

  2. John says:

    I’ve often wondered if my separation and divorce would have been easier or more difficult without knowing about my STBXs extramarital love life. In the end I think the only thing it would have changed is I’d have one less thing to be angry/hurt about. I sincerely hope that you don’t have to deal with that extra baggage.

    Surrey is right, friends are awesome and have made my life so much easier over the past few months. Keep the good ones close, they will be there for you.

    • Hi John,

      I haven’t caught up on all of your blog yet, but you seem to have gone through some difficult times. I have been hoping there might be a smooth way thought this. Not an easy one, but a smooth one. I’m starting to wonder if things are changing or if I didn’t really realize how hard it might get.

  3. Sorry you’re feeling like this today. Life always has its ups and downs and I have to say that I’m really impressed by how you’re handling all the things that keep coming at you. I don’t think I could have taken things so well no matter how many friends I spoke to.

    But it’s great that you have people around you to lean on. Just also know that once in a while it is OK for you to be really low down and no one will think any less about you for feeling that way.

  4. Grey Goose, Dirty says:

    😦 I’m sorry things seem so overwhelming right now. You know the girls are just acting out in any way that they can and it will be temporary. As for the general ‘busywork’ that needs to get done, well just take one thing at a time. It will all get done/fixed in due time.

    I’m glad you have friends who support you. Alloww them to help, to distract, whatever. Try not to let all the crap get you down. 😦 Take time for youself!

    As for your wife seeing someone else, well, not that I thought anything too highly of her to begin with, but her timing is just in poor taste. Not good and not what you deserve. For that I am sorry.

    • Thanks Grey,

      I hope the girls acting out is temporary and not a sign of different problems. My hope is that when school finishes for the year, in a few weeks, the stress will be lifted from them and they will go into let’s-have-fun mode: pool / sleepovers / get-togethers / etc.

      Take time for myself…I got the same excellent advice from Lady E. Of course, I need to have few enough commitments that I can DO this. So, not quite yet unfortunately.

      I can’t be certain she is seeing someone. I didn’t think so before she moved out because I was sure I would see *something*, some clue, if she was. Maybe I missed something obvious, but more likely, if it is happening, it’s a recent thing. I wonder if she has a dating profile somewhere? That’s a thought I’ve never had before. Yikes.

  5. everevie says:

    Hey Sean…this is going to sound awful…but here goes: I’d say every single time I suspected someone of cheating or seeing “someone new”…my gut instinct was right.

    I hope it’s not true for you.

    And I concur with Grey…you don’t deserve her treatment.

    • Hi Evie,

      Thanks for sharing, even if it’s not good news. It’s better to hear the unvarnished truth than delude myself it’s nothing when it is beginning to feel like it is a ‘something’.

      There are too many nights out, too many times now she has asked me to confirm before I visit (as if I would show up unannounced), too many canceled visits.

      The funny thing is that, because she has already moved out and is living a separate life, it’s not the fact that she might be doing it that bothers me.

      If it’s true, it’s the fact that it carries deeper implications … no real chance for recovery from this anymore, I’m being kept in the dark with my life on hold while she gaily rides bikes around town…

  6. Lady E says:

    You know what I think about all this…
    You’re doing great, hang on in there.

  7. Everyone keeps asking me if my husband is cheating. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is, particularly as he went back to Adelaide this weekend, which is where he was shortly before The Talk.

    Try to remember that your daughter’s behaviour is a product of her current life circumstances. I teach adolescents and I know how hard that can actually be in practice but they really are like toddlers in terms of ability to regulate their emotions and behaviour. She really can’t help being a pain at the moment.

    • In some small way, in your case, if he wants to move out and break you all up because of an affair, I wonder if that’s better than him just wanting to leave? I know it sounds like a very silly statement. But, are temporary hormones on his part going to leave you feeling less abandoned? Maybe.

      From what little I know, many times The Traditional Affair is a temporary thing. It leaves the option for some kind of repair and healing and forgiveness. Most people (men or women) wouldn’t consider forgiveness, and those that would face a difficult road ahead, but not an impossible one.

      Apologies, I don’t know enough to make these kinds of comments. Personal opinions, cultural norms, all kinds of things affect this and I may be making things worse. My apologies if that’s the case…

      • I agree that there is certainly more hope for repairing our relationship if there has been an affair. I’ve never been bothered by the sexual aspect of an affair, my concern would merely be that my husband went looking outside our marriage for something he should have found inside it. So from that point of view, I would be upset, but there would be something to work together on.

        As things stand, he just wants out, and he feels that no part of our estrangement is his doing. I can’t fix him, so I can’t change how he feels. So you’re right that I would feel happier if he was with another person.

        • Phew, I’m glad I didn’t offend you.

          At least you can take some comfort from the Adelaide trip; it does seem a little suspicious. It’s a day’s drive, so you don’t go there without a reason…

          • He flew, so there isn’t anything suspicious in the driving. He wouldn’t tell me where he was staying, other than ‘north adelaide’ which is more of a red flag.

  8. Pammy Girl says:

    Lemonade is overrated. And you should throw the lemons back… hard… so they give someone bruises.

    You know what lifts my spirits? Breakfast at Eastern Market on Saturdays. Specifically the french toast at Eastern Market. Trust me. Instant happiness.

    • Hi Pammy!

      I like the lemon idea.

      A short true story: I lived outside Melbourne, Australia, for a number of years. My back yard had fruit trees everywhere: orange, lemon, plum, nashy pear (called Asian pear here?), peach, and others. (Previous owner was a farmer.)

      The lemon tree grew lemons so quickly there were more than I needed. I took them to work, I gave them away, it was like a loaves and fishes situation — I couldn’t get rid of them as fast as they grew. Uggh.

      Can you tell me more about Eastern Market? Do they also have breakfast/brunch on Sundays? My daughter, Brigitte, has both saxophone lesson and ballet class on Saturday mornings, so I am tied to the McLean area until after lunch. If you see this, feel free to respond here or by e-mail if you prefer. Thanks for the tip!

  9. Pingback: Taking things well… | I think Divorce is likely

  10. The girl next door says:

    Hi, don’t ever read my blog. It’s horrible and full of smut.

    Take the high road man, you must be a great guy.

    Your children are acting out because they are hurt too (I would presume). Unfortunately or fortunately you are better equipped to handle this situation mentally because your brain is fully developed and (Id on’t know how old your daughters are) but most likely theirs aren’t. So they may be incapable of dealing with what they see happening to their mother.

    I don’t know, I’m just offering some thought. Sorry.

  11. If she has been with someone else, don’t dwell on it, absolutely a shitty thing for her to do. For sure. But what’s done is done and you need to heal and move on so your new life can be healthy and good. I am thinking at this point, she didn’t deserve you anyway my friend. Don’t let her hurt you anymore than she has…xox

  12. Pingback: Taking things well… | Four is a Family

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