Is that a glimmer of hope? Nope…*squash*

In recent weeks, partly based on some very helpful advice from a friend, I had seen what I thought was a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, my situation might get resolved without my wife moving out. This resulted in Perky Me: witty e-mails and blog comments, going out cheerfully, and generally setting aside the difficulties. For this reason, the hope and the happiness it created, is worth a thank you. I’d ‘out’ you as link, but I didn’t check if that would be ok, but you know who you are…

I had the chance to sit down with my wife, Danielle, last night and talk. I explained that I had tried recently to be Mr. Nice Guy, although not necessarily with a lot of success on my part as a result of working hours, meetings, an upcoming election, and other events.

I asked if she thought that the ‘basement bedroom suite’ separation was working out for her and giving her some space. No, she said. Too many interruptions, not enough privacy. Not easy to have friends, even a man-friend, over.

OK then.

Ignoring the implications of that, I cut to the chase and said that I been thinking about how this might continue. I said that if we could be reasonable and talk more often and I could provide support, maybe that would change the direction this was headed, and I was prepared to tolerate the ongoing tension if it might result in a resolution.

She said she wanted to move out, and that she had found some apartments online, and wanted to know if I’d join her to go looking at them. We talked about whether or not this was certain, permanent, up for more discussion. She said that she absolutely needed the independence. She said she didn’t know if it was permanent or not, that maybe it might change in the future, but she couldn’t see it lasting any less than 6 months.

SIX? I thought she might say 1-3 months. (In a minute, I will explain the significance of this fallback plan being included).

She brought me into her room and showed me the apartments she’d been looking at. This wasn’t someone on the threshold of a decision, this was someone moving on. I had little choice and helped her eliminate some. She asked me to call the two best ones on her behalf, and I organized viewing appointments. (Amélie, my daughter, is pretty amazed that I am helping her with this at all. I talked to Amélie this evening when I let her drive around for a while. She wants me to make my wife move her own things out of the house, but I can’t do that.)

Back to the six months option…

There have been a number of stages in this separation. In each, there have been points where reconciliation would be simple to implement. However, I think we have just moved into a phase from which the chance of return is bleak. By contrast: Early on, she wanted no-one to know about the separation in case it got fixed. Last night she said that there is the chance she will want to move back home sometime.

I now think she is deceiving *herself*, not me. I think that perhaps she has been on a path to a permanent separation all along, but setting up fallback positions at each waypoint. Every well-intentioned effort to find a way out has been the right one to make on my part…just in case…but sometimes people just need to leave and to avoid it or fix it is like stopping the tide.

In some ways, I’m too run down to feel as crappy as I should. I’m so desperately tired, but each morning, I startle myself awake by 7:30am and can’t get back to sleep, or I have something I have to do and get up. Often, I am most of the way through a shower before I feel close to fully awake. If I wasn’t getting to sleep well after 2am each night, this might not be a big problem. I think that one really good night’s sleep might give me the reserves I need.

Re-reading this is weird. I am not sure I can believe it’s real, it is now going to happen soon (in as little as a week), and the earlier threats to move out are shifting into actions.

I had been hoping, denying, wondering, …

I have been able to be my normal witty, perky me for a few weeks because the lull in proceedings seemed to indicate that maybe nothing would happen after all.

Now I feel like being happy was me being a fraud. I feel like a single touch and I would shatter into a thousand tiny pieces.


About Single Dad

I married young. Now, after more than 20 years of marriage, 3 wonderful daughters, and many ups and downs, my wife has decided the marriage is over. The "About Me" and "My Background" pages on my blog have more details.
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13 Responses to Is that a glimmer of hope? Nope…*squash*

  1. No name says:

    Hey SD, I know it’s hard to accept that she does want to move out of the family home, but the reason I still think there is hope for your marriage is that she’s not ruling out that this may be temporary. In other words, she is accepting the idea that she may be going through a phase where she needs to live alone (something she’s never done), possibly reassess her life, I don’t know…This is very different from saying “our marriage is crap, it’ll never ever work, this is the end full stop”.
    Probably doesn’t make it easier for you right now… Sorry.

  2. Grey Goose, Dirty says:

    Well shoot Sean. I have no real idea what you’re going through, but am going to offer my unasked for opinion and hope that I don’t offend you in any way as that is NOT my intention.

    First of all, I hate that you are basing your happiness on your wife. Your selfish and self centered wife. Your wife that expects you to support her when she is making the conscious decision to break up the family. I’ve never met her, nor you and you’ve never written a bad word about her, but I don’t like her. She’s using you. And you seem to be allowing it. 😦

    Secondly, I’m 200% with Amélie. It’s your wife’s decision to be on her own. She needs to actually be on her own and realize all that that entails. Looking for, finding, moving into a new apartment. Arranging utilities and day to day logistics of living alone. I can’t help but think of that stupid pithy phrase of ‘having your cake and eating it too’. She’s the one leaving, yet you’re helping to make it as easy as possible for her. 😦

    You’re a good guy Sean. You deserve a good woman. I know you don’t want to create waves or preclude your wife from changing her mind, but really if you keep making it so easy on her, why would she change her mind. And as for that topic, I think you deserve better. Better than her and better than the way she’s treating you.


    • Hey Grey,

      I have no objection to you letting loose with an 0pinion.

      I agree that the way I have written this up, it might easily be interpreted as me being used or her consciously trying to use me. But, this isn’t really the case.

      She knows the impact to me and to the kids. She’s apologized for it. But it doesn’t stop this running train; I’ve said before, I think she has problems. An unwillingness to see someone (a medical professional) who might be able to diagnose the root cause of these problems means that those problems aren’t identified. There is no understanding in her own mind of the entirety of why she is doing this, or what root motivators exist, and so we each pay the price.

      You’re right that I could step back and tell her to find friends to move her in (I found out that she did get quite a few offers). But it’s just me. Were she doing this with spite, I’d be leaving her stuff on the front lawn before changing the door locks. Since it’s not like that, and since she’s not enjoying what she’s doing, I’m willing to cut her some slack.

      At her best, my wife is a woman I am happy with. But she’s not that person anymore. She hasn’t become mean, she just got lost somewhere along the way.

      Maybe a few months from now, I will look back on this and laugh at my naievety, but I’m hoping that I guess this one right.

      Thanks again!

  3. Pingback: She leaves on Tuesday | I think Divorce is likely

  4. If I was closer, I would give you a great big squishy hug…

    • Thanks RNP. My three daughters all like hugs so I do get them, but not from adults. Heading off to the heavily-treed north-west seems a little overboard perhaps. I could ask in my office and my local grocery store, but they might have rules about that…

  5. everevie says:

    I have to agree somewhat with Amelie and Grey….I do think you are making it too easy on her…and she really should get a sense for what real independence feels like. However, I say that, knowing full well that I’d be doing exactly the same thing as you…right or the wrong.

  6. I’m really confused as to how she wants independence but is so dependent that she cannot even make her own appointments to look at her place or move out. Please don’t take this as a criticism of you; nobody knows how they would react in any situation they are no in, but I with Amelie on this. And the fact that she made comment of having a man-friend over is just a low blow. I do think she is deceiving herself and not confident or independent enough to actually state her true intentions. This has to be a horrible time for you and I am so sorry. I do believe it will start to get better, little by little, once she is no longer there.

  7. Hi Click,

    Setting aside the emotional element for a moment, I am very good at organizing and coordinating things like this. As an example, and bearing in mind the theory that she might regret this in the future and want to repair the broken relationship, I negotiated a clause in her “1-year” contract that lets her out on 60 days notice with very little penalty. It really is one of the things I do well. Hence, practicalities mean that, since this money is still coming from the family accounts for now, why not save money where I can?

    You have also highlighted the most important element of this. Is she deceiving herself about keeping open a way to return? Maybe. It’s too early to tell at the moment. I know I shall be a keen observer of how this plays out.

    No matter what, the mention of a man-friend was, at best, heartless.

  8. Ah, I know too well the Glimmer Of Hope. I’d do no differently to you, right down to helping him find his apartment (although in my case, he wants to be Independent (TM)., so I have to let him find his own way. Which of course means that one month after telling me he wants to live on his own, he is still in my house.)

  9. Pingback: She leaves on Tuesday | Four is a Family

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